Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
