One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
