You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
