im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
