It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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