My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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