i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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