Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
