from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
