ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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