He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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