these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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