I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
