he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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