we're chasing vodka with high fives
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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