Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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