I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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