She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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