The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
