No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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