drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
