I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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