shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
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you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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