if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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