He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
