Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
