Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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