Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
