dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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