YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
