Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
