Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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