Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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