I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize