so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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