She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
