Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
