Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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