dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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