Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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