just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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