i think my tv is drunk
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
