I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
