Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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