Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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