the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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