I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
