My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
