Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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