i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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