I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
