he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
