At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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