Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
