I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
