you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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