your parents love me but you hate me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
