you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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