fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
