FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
