i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
