Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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