I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Houston, we have a squirter
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
