I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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