I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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