I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
