Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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